We spent years learning algebra and the periodic table, but somehow no one thought to teach us how to negotiate a salary or make an offer on a house. Fast‑forward to adulthood, and suddenly we’re expected to navigate high‑stakes conversations armed only with childhood memories of trying to convince our parents that mowing the lawns was worth at least $10. No wonder performance review season brings out the shower rehearsals and clammy hands.

And while we may joke about the sweaty palms and practices in the mirror, these moments highlight something important: negotiation isn’t just about asking for more, it’s about understanding what both sides need, so they walk away feeling respected and satisfied. Before we can negotiate well, we need to understand what negotiation is designed to achieve.

The purpose of negotiation

Every negotiation ends in one of four outcomes: Win/Lose, Lose/Win, Lose/Lose, or Win/Win. The goal is always Win/Win, not because it sounds pleasant, but because it preserves relationships, builds trust, and creates opportunities for future collaboration. Whether you’re negotiating a salary or making an offer on a home, a sustainable agreement is one both sides can live with.

Be flexible

Anchoring on a single number is natural, but it can work against you. Fixating on a 5% pay rise when your employer can realistically offer 3% only sets you up for disappointment. The same applies to house hunting. Knowing homes in your preferred area sell for around $800,000 is helpful, but it shouldn’t become a hard rule. Each property still needs to be judged on its own value and condition.

Don’t get caught up in the winning

Don’t let the desire to “win” derail the outcome you need. Fear of losing can push us into decisions or statements we later regret, especially when emotions are high. The goal isn’t to triumph at all costs, it’s to reach an outcome that genuinely works.

Keep an open mind

Once we latch onto an idea, we naturally look for information that confirms it, which can narrow our options. In a pay review, try widening the lens and think beyond salary alone.

• Consider alternatives like extra time off, funded training, or development opportunities.
• Look at long‑term benefits such as a higher contribution rate into KiwiSaver.
• Focus on the overall value you can gain, not just the number on the payslip.

Negotiation is a skill you can strengthen

Negotiation will always come with a few nerves, a little over‑preparation, and the occasional practiced speech, but it doesn’t need to feel like a battle. When you understand the psychology behind it, you stay flexible in your expectations, and focus on creating value rather than “winning,” making negotiation far less intimidating and far more effective. It’s a skill that grows with practice, reflection, and a willingness to see the conversation from both sides of the table.

The above information is for information purposes only and is not financial advice.

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